Sunday, December 30, 2012

Dear song of the moment,

"He loves to argue.
His sisters are beautiful.
He has his father's eyes."

And if you asked me if I still had feelings for him,

I'd lie.

Saturday, December 29, 2012


Today i wrote a text to my friend that said:

"Agreed. Tyler is so great. He's been my Best Friend for 8 years. And I don't regret the amount of my life I've dedicated to him."

I sat back and thought about the simple truth of that statement.

Dedicated. 8 years.

Wow. I so love him. He is back to "Best Friend :)" in my phone (as opposed to Boy Friend as he was for a month). Like he was for the 7.8 years before that. Capitalization is important.

Friday, December 28, 2012

Dear continuation of the holidays,

Erika and I usually have brief goodbyes. Probably because it's too painful.

I wondered if other people saw us hug at the airport and thought we may have been sisters.

It would make sense. A lot of the time, i tell people that she's basically the same person as I am, but like 32.96 times smarter.

So she ends up, a lot of the time, putting up with my stupidity. But at least I got to see her.

I love her dearly. And I love when the holidays bring dear ones together.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Dear Anyone Who Cares To Listen,

I think there is something you should know about me:

I love everything about the Christmas season. 

There is a kind of magic there. A kind of brilliance you don't find at any other time. There is something truly and simply romantic about:
sitting by the fire and looking into their eyes
drinking hot cocoa from mugs and laughing 
walking, in complete giddiness, through a winter wonderland
watching Christmas movies, while cuddling

This season, I had a boy. And it made it fantastic. Over the course of the month of December, we have:
made smores in the fireplace
had the best chilled eggnog ever
gone on a snowmobile ride
watched a Christmas movie, falling asleep

But it's hitting me now: we're kinda doing all these things that I love........just.........not. Not the way I planned.

I have found myself constantly wishing that it could be Tyler. To be there, together, with me, doing the things I love. But it's just not. He's just not. I'm just......not.

Just not right. And as much as I'd like to imagine, we just don't want to be what the other wants us to be.

I hope someday, I am in love at Christmas time. It's the most wonderful time of the year. For now, I'm facing the start of a new era. Single. And hoping that the road ahead is beautiful.  

It's nice to know, however, that he and I love each other. That hasn't changed for the last 8 years. Nor do I think it ever will, regardless of what level of friendship we are at.

Here's to a learning how to be a butterfly...all on your own. Whether someone sees it...or not.
 -Chloé Michelle

Friday, December 21, 2012

Dear Lamest Apocalypse Ever,

Today I got up and went on a run and talked with my mom.

12/21/12. A pretty normal day.

And now it's bed time and I've been thinking:

If I could go to bed every night with the attitude of "HOLY RAINBOWS, I'M SO GLAD THE WORLD DIDN'T END TODAY!!!" then I would have a great life.

I like knowing tomorrow is a new (and real) day. And i am trying my best to love the one at hand. Try again, apocalypse. Thanks for NOT visiting me today. We would not have been friends. -Chloé

Monday, December 17, 2012

Dear Caterpillar Principle,

If you've never heard of the Caterpillar Principle, don't freak out. Because it was just discovered last night. Dare to imagine with me:

     Pretend you are an animal. A small one, preferably a squirrel or a chipmunk...but I'm not very creative, so think of something exciting.
     You see two bugs. One is an ant. One is a caterpillar. Both the same distance away from you.
     (I know, it's starting to sound like math problem already. Bear with me.)
     Same amount of energy to get to both. So you choose the caterpillar. Because it provides more reward for your effort....obviously. (I know squirrels eat nuts. Focus here.)

     There are times in my life when I've chosen the ant. And it's good, but afterwards I realized that I kinda sold myself short. 
     There are times in my life when I've chosen the caterpillar. And it's still good. Opportunity cost: worth it. Blah blah blah.
     There are times, however, when I've reached the caterpillar and realized it was actually a butterfly. Better than anything I saw coming. And instead of being like "SWEET! I used practically no effort and got something AMAZING".......I find myself being willing to give even more. Suddenly I don't want to only travel the distance to the caterpillar, I want to be able to fly in order to not keep them on the ground.
     Sometimes it gets me in trouble. Sometimes I'm willing to give more than the other person. My roommates tell me it's just my personality. 
     And other times, I get in trouble because people give me WAY more than I can ever return. Like Hannah, for example. She is the wind beneath my wings, and no matter what I do, I will never be able to repay her.

     I've heard my whole life that any relationship you are in is supposed to be equal. So that you can learn to fly together. 

I wonder if that's true. 

     And I wonder if it's possible. To have both people see each other as butterflies, to treat each other as butterflies, even if sometimes they act like caterpillars. 
     And then I remember my parents. The most awesome example I have of a wonderful relationship. And it gets me thinking: maybe relationships are a choice. And maybe relationships, as my mom has taught me, are always about giving. Maybe it's all just about what you want. Or what you see. Or what you are willing to give.
     And I think sometimes you've got to take the great thing you have in your hands and learn to fly. And other times, you have to learn to be a butterfly on your own. -Chloé

Sunday, December 16, 2012


I'm sorry. I've been really bad at this whole blogging thing. I absolutely LOVE blogging. But something i enjoy even more than blogging is people that are close to me. 

You see, two months ago today, something showed up on my door step unexpectedly:

Received Package: Boyfriend. 

Name: Tyler Vale Alden. 

Formally known as: Best Friend. 

Must accept all parts. 

Some assembly required. 

Maybe everyone and their mom will call us and say "I told you so. I always knew you and Tyler would end up together." But the truth is, I didn't. I didn't see this coming at all. But opportunity showed up on my door step after 2 years and I realized: this is it. And I just decided I wanted to take it..that I wanted to give him my heart. I know what I want, even when I don't know exactly what lies ahead. Im jumping into the unknown, 100% feet off the ground. 

But that's the beautiful thing about life: sometimes you never anticipate good things coming. They just do. Seven and a half years later:

I'm dating my best friend.

I wish everyone else the same peace and joy.  -Chloe'

really little us
(the first time we hung out)
little us


Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Dear and Deep Love,

I've been beaten down, I've been kicked around, 
But somehow, love takes all of that for me.
When I loose my faith, in my darkest days, 
Love is the thing that makes it possible for me to believe Christ does.

When I want my ways, and I realize they are all in vain, 
Love is found patiently waiting.
Even when I am the same, all my mistakes and pride and shame
Love puts me back on my feet.

And when that world slows down, dear.
And when those stars burn out, here.
Love will always be there holding out through everything.

This is what people call love. 
And this true, full, and complete love, this is REAL love, and it is all I need.   
                                                                                               -adapted from a beautiful song by Parachute 


real love means feeling more unselfish. real love means wanting them to grow. real love means seeing when they doubt. 

real love is forgiveness after years of hurt. real love is noticing I was in the wrong. real love is red even when missing them was grey and losing them was blue.

real love means starting over. real love means never giving up. real love means accepting that things are going to change. real love is loving them through all of it. real love is trusting someone with every part of me.

real love means knowing hurt. real love means never wanting them to. real love sometimes means hurting them to prevent further or greater hurt. real love is supressing urges to do things I know would hurt them. real love is trying my best at self control. real love is prioritizing. real love is being willing to. real love is doing what I need instead of what I want. real love means loving someone even when I don't like them.

real love is painful. real love makes me put up walls. real love is beautiful. real love makes me knock those walls down


But I'm bad at real love. Everyone is. Because we are human. We only get parts of it. 

But we try. And when I do, or I see that someone else does, that makes all the difference.


outside the garden of gethsemane, jerusalem, israel

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Dear Facebook Generation,

I sometimes feel like we get a lot of smack. Facebook discourages social interaction. Facebook wastes too much time. Yeah yeah yeah. It's all probably true. But I think that perhaps below the complex layers of posting status hides deep desires of human beings: perhaps we all simply cling to the potential that it brings for us to "put ourselves out there." An innate desire to be understood. To be empathized with. To share. To want to tell someone how our day went.

This afternoon, I had a very intense scare as I looked into my cup of seemingly plain "fruit at the bottom" yogurt and thought that I had been lied to. My next thought was to make a Facebook status that went something like this: "It's one of those days where your fruit doesn't show up in your fruit-at-the-bottom yogurt and you are terrified that everything good in the world has been pulled from you." Because I knew it would be "liked." I knew people would understand what I meant.

Supposedly Taylor Swift has a line from a poem that she reminds herself of in her saddest moments, when she needs to know that someone else had felt that exact same way. That's a very beautiful thought, if you think about it. That we like knowing we aren't the only ones that have felt the way we feel then. It's ironic, because that's mostly the reason I listen to T-Swift at all. Because everyone experiences the same kind of stuff when they fall in love and when they break up. And perhaps the human mind simply needs to know that they aren't the only ones who feel.

Love you all, chloemichelle

Friday, November 9, 2012

Dear Connections,

I don't believe the world was meant to be lived through five-paragraph-essays, although I see the point they are trying to make.

Could it be that life is that structured? That I will grow up, go to college, get a job, be a mom in a successful, well-off home?

What if I think life is more creative than that? More beautiful then the expectation. What if I want to adopt children when I move to Cambodia? Is that allowed too? Or is continuing the system really what life is all about? Is being here, close to my parents, something I will always have? Will I ever find the lifestyle that fits me? Because I am starting to get the feeling that I don't know where I am headed. One of my very closest friends, Hannah, has a theory about multiple intelligences and she gets upset every time she talks about people who aren't really meant for this kind of school system.....and I'm starting to wonder if she is right. Perhaps I was not designed to write essays. . . . . . . . . . . . .but it's been a very long week. Who knows? Literally. When someone else figures my life-plan out for me, let me know. Until then, my friends, I'm going to keep chuggin' along,

trying to figure out where I want to be.


Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Dear Midterms,

Finals I can handle. No school. Just thinking time. 

You, midterms, come without warning, strike where it hurts, and when it's most inconvenient.

And then you see your best friend in the midst of writing an overwhelming paper and run into your other close friend randomly and you ditch your homework to people watch on campus and think "this is what halloween was MADE for" and then get a text to get free cookies and hot chocolate and get your fortune told by this super spiritual Asian guy and you then stop for a second and realize how impossibly giddy you are and smile to yourself and breathe:

Life is good. 

So take that, midterms! You can leave me the heck alone.


On a more positive Halloween note: my roommates and I had a party. Baked for like 24 hours straight. Can I just say how incredibly awesome we are for having nothing better to do on the weekends than bake desserts together? Rachel and I got in a really intense discussion at 1:00AM the other night talking about how amazing the girls we live with are and how they make us grow. Aka: BEST RANDOM ROOMMATES EVER! 


OH! and in the spirit of Halloween, my roommates and I all participated in running races. Katie ran the farthest she's ever run in her life. So proud! I got chased by zombies. :) What more do you need?

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Dear Trust,

"When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, Lord, abide with me...
Change and decay in all around I see,
O Thou who changest not, abide with me."
                                                  -Henry F. Lyte

Friday, October 12, 2012

Dear Doggy,

        Today puppy and I had a little bonding moment. I felt bad that he cowered when I closed the door of the shower, but I audibly told him that it was his own fault. I continued talking to him the whole time, wishing that he could understand my reassurances. It's funny, really, that I felt so bad for making him uncomfortable considering that I don't even like him. He and I aren't friends. Many years of experience has lead me to conjure the idea that he and I just don't understand each other. I guess you could say it's classical conditioning that causes my brain, as he is inclosing on me through every opening of the front door, to recall all of the times he's licked me after I told him not to. And I just don't think that is a healthy relationship. He refuses to be cuddly, I refuse to let him lick me, and such is our life. Sometimes I try; especially considering I had to go an hour out of my way to bathe him after he ran through who knows what in the field.
          It was pretty cool, though, I must admit, to have a parental/divine-love-for-you-when-I-make-you-do-something-you-don't-want-to-but-that-is-good-for-you feeling towards him for a brief moment. Only, God always loves us. Even when He banishes us downstairs. (I'm not sure I can say the same for Indy.) And God always claims us as His. (Indy is definitely still Ben's dog.) I'll try not to judge him, though; I play with skunks in my life too. So thanks to all those who have ever had to clean me up afterwards. Especially God. For loving me. Even when I disappoint Him.
          And for giving me occasions that make me change my heart. I hope that they are making me more like Him.

          :D   I wonder if He ever doesn't like us.........

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Dearest Friends,

I remember the Turkish rain becoming a solid sheet against our bus, making the window scene blurry. It was a day where I was figuring things out. Things were shifting. It was also the day I became friends with Hannah. I wrote her this song on that bus ride:

Hannah stirs below my head
so I lift my off her shoulder.
Wakin' up to a brand new world
don't know if we've crossed the border.
But the familiar beats of this road and these streets
make it seem like it's getting closer.
Closer to feeling like home.

Hannah cries and I cry.
Hannah smiles and I smile,
as she calls out my name. 
Are things, slowly, starting to change?

She is now one of the very closest people in my life. "Literally." :) Things are again changing. She has decided to go on a mission. So, time is now kind of short. I thought I would be really upset. I thought I would be sick of saying goodbye to the people I love. But this feels right. I couldn't be more proud to know the person that is Hannah Joy Rackham. 

I guess in a way I kind of knew hers was coming. Rachel's, on the other hand, came to me as a surprise. She and I are so's like part of me is leaving. It's strange how close two random strangers can become. Two very blessed random strangers. But my new favorite thing is watching her get excited every time she talks about her decision. I love her pure, natural, raw smile. Her happiness for the good in life. 

Dearest, dearest friends. How blessed I am. -CMS

Monday, October 1, 2012

Dearest reflections,

There are certain miracles in my life. Kinds of miracles that leave me completely dumb-founded. A certain miracle that I somehow got to maintain for 4 months. The miracle I got to be reminded of from the very first time he said it to the last moment he kissed me goodbye: the miracle that the amazing, brilliant, boy I called mine actually liked me.
            At first I couldn’t believe it was true, but over time, he and I’s relationship turned natural. Our lives kinda blended. But I always knew this day was coming. I always understood his passion. I always had faith in him as an entrepreneur. I always hoped he’d go big with his company. I just thought that at the moment before he turned away, he’d look me in the eyes and I would know at that moment that he was going to miss me.
But things change.
Because that didn’t happen. He was determined. His mind had already moved from this little town.  He had already pushed me out of his life. I sat in the car with him that strange Monday night. Everything was wrong. This was the wrong car. This was the wrong feeling. I wanted to squirm from the discomfort that I had never ever felt before. Not with him. The coldness of the situation was almost tangible to me. It seemed like my favorite grin hadn’t been sensed on his lips for the last month or two. The only thing I saw in his eyes was sadness. His closest friends forgotten. Ready to say goodbye. That wasn’t the boy I knew. I knew a boy filled with excitement, stuffed to the brim with passion, and exploding with happiness.
His friendship is replaceable. I will find someone to tell my secrets to, the ones that once only he knew. I made close friends in Jerusalem that I now call on my bad days and get excited when I remember I can return to my favorite roommates after a long day at school. But he is not replaceable. The person he is. The character. The joy he brought to my life. That’s all gone now without his care. 
            I’m alright. My romantic feelings have faded. Life is going to move on for both of us. Besides, he said he was happy and that’s all that really matters in the end. I just hope that somewhere along the line, he knew that I really did care about him. Not as a boyfriend; just as a person. And if so, I can’t help but wonder if that feeling of concern will ever fade.

Monday, September 17, 2012

A dear little prayer,

logan, utah

Today I realized two things.

I have come so far. And I have a long way to go.

And I guess that is the beauty of life:


Because I have no idea how long it will take me to get where I want, even need, to be.

But heaven only knows I need it's help.




Sincerely, yours.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Dear Wonderfulness,

Days when your photos require little, if any, editing: wonderful.
provo's version of climbing on antiquities... 

Days of bliss, real bliss. The kind you get with the closest of friends, real friends.

Nights of serenity.

Where adventures are both possible and probable.
have i mentioned i love this girl and even more so the way she takes pictures?
60 mph...with the windows down...for an hour
luke: what's new?
 And when you love your life and everything about your day.
someday i'll be able to fill luke's shoes...
All this in one weekend when Alicia comes to visit:
-Chloé Michelle

Monday, September 3, 2012

Dear Provo,

I've been around your streets for over a week now. And I love you. Partly because you are full of just as much adventure as I had this summer...partly because I can find little glimpses of Jerusalem all around.
i have about 15 of these pictures amidst the holy ground of the holy land.

looking for my textbooks and these ones catch my eye instead...

i wish...

good ol' jeru byu logo

.........been there.......

i believe this is heather's skirt???

brought this guy with me all the way from pam's closet.
man, do i miss that girl.
and how i love this shirt because of it.

Eight glorious months in Provo with my four favorite roommates and eighty of my closest friends from the center: here I come.

Dear Bri,

I don't think I have ever seen a bride more giddy-in-love at her wedding. I am thrilled you found Dustin to make you so happy. Also, thanks for letting us come crash your wedding. I will never forget your thrill upon our arrival or dancing my heart out to "What Makes You Beautiful." It was a wonderful excuse to be near my close friends again. I am terribly glad that i am a part of your life.
Kol Tuv and Mazal Tov, my friend. -Chloe Michelle

sometimes...we go cray cray...

sarah oreos and lauren diet coke. somethings never change.

eye on the prize, madds, eye on the prize

lovin' the old fashion camera
this is one of my very greatest friends. he was looking especially sharp
and slightly indie, i couldn't resist the photo opp. love the shoes, alv. 

my shoes: compliments of sarah jane <3

in other news: happy birthday jerica!!!!