Monday, October 1, 2012

Dearest reflections,

There are certain miracles in my life. Kinds of miracles that leave me completely dumb-founded. A certain miracle that I somehow got to maintain for 4 months. The miracle I got to be reminded of from the very first time he said it to the last moment he kissed me goodbye: the miracle that the amazing, brilliant, boy I called mine actually liked me.
            At first I couldn’t believe it was true, but over time, he and I’s relationship turned natural. Our lives kinda blended. But I always knew this day was coming. I always understood his passion. I always had faith in him as an entrepreneur. I always hoped he’d go big with his company. I just thought that at the moment before he turned away, he’d look me in the eyes and I would know at that moment that he was going to miss me.
But things change.
Because that didn’t happen. He was determined. His mind had already moved from this little town.  He had already pushed me out of his life. I sat in the car with him that strange Monday night. Everything was wrong. This was the wrong car. This was the wrong feeling. I wanted to squirm from the discomfort that I had never ever felt before. Not with him. The coldness of the situation was almost tangible to me. It seemed like my favorite grin hadn’t been sensed on his lips for the last month or two. The only thing I saw in his eyes was sadness. His closest friends forgotten. Ready to say goodbye. That wasn’t the boy I knew. I knew a boy filled with excitement, stuffed to the brim with passion, and exploding with happiness.
His friendship is replaceable. I will find someone to tell my secrets to, the ones that once only he knew. I made close friends in Jerusalem that I now call on my bad days and get excited when I remember I can return to my favorite roommates after a long day at school. But he is not replaceable. The person he is. The character. The joy he brought to my life. That’s all gone now without his care. 
            I’m alright. My romantic feelings have faded. Life is going to move on for both of us. Besides, he said he was happy and that’s all that really matters in the end. I just hope that somewhere along the line, he knew that I really did care about him. Not as a boyfriend; just as a person. And if so, I can’t help but wonder if that feeling of concern will ever fade.


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  2. i'm glad you got the thoughts down from that lovely phone call and chat we had a few weeks ago. you write wonderfully, and think even more wonderfully. You're a beautiful person chloe.