Dear whiteness,

Sometimes you take something, and you make it yours.

Sometimes you feel a part of this massive universe.

Sometimes you see responsibility and power.

Dear subjective definitions of the word love,

Sometimes, I glance out my window into the darkness just to make sure he didn't come. It's usually right before I jump into bed, giving his headlights one last chance to shine across my driveway before I tuck my faith in and try to tell it goodnight.

And yet, somewhere deep inside of me, there is a voice telling me I'm wrong. It forces my heart to accept that maybe a man-like-jazz-standard-lyrics-have-made-me-believe-in doesn't actually exist. Maybe he won't be the throw-pebbles-at-my-window kinda guy. Maybe he won't be ideal in a tuck-my-hair-behind-my-ears-before-he-holds-my-face-in-a-long-romantic-kiss sort of way.  Maybe he won't be anyone like any-male-role-from-a-chick-flick has let me imagine. Maybe there won't be fireworks or butterflies or the romance of marrying the boy that's been in love with me the whole time and I was too blind to see he was everything I needed. Maybe it will just be some guy. Who I meet and have a pleasant conversation with. Who dates me for awhile and falls in love. And maybe that will be enough. Maybe I'll want to be with him so much that I will let go of all these stupid childhood expectations that have stuck to my mind ever since I watched my first Disney movie and created a concept of the way fairy tales are supposed to work.

But my heart can't make sense of it all. Is he out there or not? Is my idea of the person he will be only a combination of ideally timed moments and one-liners? Or do I really have a good idea of what I need? Of who he will be.

And yet I can't help but wish that magic exists. And that someday, not letting go of someone will actually be a concept I understand. 

So I let my heart turn into solid color so that my mind will turn quiet enough to sleep. But there is a part of my gut that never sleeps: the part that clings to the fact that someone out there belongs to me. And that maybe he's lying awake tonight too, wondering what's taking us so long to find each other. 

photos courtesy of the band Sway

Dear expectations,

I've realized something lately. My biggest life-theory in a really long time. Which, for me, is saying something. I come up with a lot. But this one is a good one:

Our lives are entirely revolved around our expectations. 

The ideas we have, in our brains, of the way things should go...they mean everything.

If we set our expectations to high, we are disappointed. If we set them too low, we miss out on a lot of joy. So we wake up, debating our risk.

Take your time coming home.

Hear the wheels as they roll.

Let your lungs fill up with smoke.

Forgive everyone.

She is here and now she is gone.

We had plans, we can't help but make love...

It's a beautiful thing when you love somebody.

How did I find love and conquer all of my fears?

See, I made it out.

Out from under the sun.

And the truth is that I feel better because I've forgiven everyone.

Now I'm not scared

of the sounds

or the states

or the stages.

I'm not scared,

I've got friends,

took my call,

came courageous.

Now I feel like I am home.

                                                                                             -Take Your Time, Fun. 

i have the coolest brother

Dear swung notes,

I'm not sure if this is a human thing, but I've decided that at least my family members have a lot of passion.

Today I found myself trotting down hour long study-tangents of the nature/history of jazz music, as well as common phrases in Korean, Portuguese, and French.

I promised myself I wouldn't do this. I promised I would keep the simplicity of Thailand with me as to not get caught up in the superfluous entertainment systems of the Western mentality I am enthralled in.

But I was reminded today of what I've actually known for a long time: I love learning. School subjects, psychoanalytic human subjects. :) Language, language of particular subjects. :) Music theory. Constellations. Soccer. Make up. Crafts. Religion.

It all just makes me more inquisitive. Life is just cool, you know?

And this is all very distracting when you have to write a paper. Because a paper is an expression of what you've learned. And unfortunately, I'm no good at THAT part of learning.

sometimes, learning comes in ways you least expect it.
the world just pendulums you away.
and you end up geeking out about random things.
like swing. a completely under-rated brilliance of the world.
and you forget about Thailand.
and bask in the amazing-ness of the existence of things like Sway.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFusWYMmae0

There you have it. I've been swung. -chloemichelle

Dear "take me home",

Last Sunday I woke up to a random Thai dude and his drunk buddies playing "Country Roads" on the patio of a peaceful hostel floating on a lake. I thought about how much Thailand felt normal to me now. Home is wherever you feel comfortable, right?

I woke up today after a long day/night/day in the airports of the world and I was more confused then I've ever been in my life. Where AM I?

And a bit more than 24 hours later, it feels like I never left. This is my hometown. How could I ever replace it?

This place will always be my home. It's good to be back where people understand me!!!! #hometown#parkcityartsfestival @nathaninnis#onlypartlysadtoleaveThailand
Insta: chloemichelle456