Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Dear Midterms,

Finals I can handle. No school. Just thinking time. 

You, midterms, come without warning, strike where it hurts, and when it's most inconvenient.

And then you see your best friend in the midst of writing an overwhelming paper and run into your other close friend randomly and you ditch your homework to people watch on campus and think "this is what halloween was MADE for" and then get a text to get free cookies and hot chocolate and get your fortune told by this super spiritual Asian guy and you then stop for a second and realize how impossibly giddy you are and smile to yourself and breathe:

Life is good. 

So take that, midterms! You can leave me the heck alone.


On a more positive Halloween note: my roommates and I had a party. Baked for like 24 hours straight. Can I just say how incredibly awesome we are for having nothing better to do on the weekends than bake desserts together? Rachel and I got in a really intense discussion at 1:00AM the other night talking about how amazing the girls we live with are and how they make us grow. Aka: BEST RANDOM ROOMMATES EVER! 


OH! and in the spirit of Halloween, my roommates and I all participated in running races. Katie ran the farthest she's ever run in her life. So proud! I got chased by zombies. :) What more do you need?

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Dear Trust,

"When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, Lord, abide with me...
Change and decay in all around I see,
O Thou who changest not, abide with me."
                                                  -Henry F. Lyte

Friday, October 12, 2012

Dear Doggy,

        Today puppy and I had a little bonding moment. I felt bad that he cowered when I closed the door of the shower, but I audibly told him that it was his own fault. I continued talking to him the whole time, wishing that he could understand my reassurances. It's funny, really, that I felt so bad for making him uncomfortable considering that I don't even like him. He and I aren't friends. Many years of experience has lead me to conjure the idea that he and I just don't understand each other. I guess you could say it's classical conditioning that causes my brain, as he is inclosing on me through every opening of the front door, to recall all of the times he's licked me after I told him not to. And I just don't think that is a healthy relationship. He refuses to be cuddly, I refuse to let him lick me, and such is our life. Sometimes I try; especially considering I had to go an hour out of my way to bathe him after he ran through who knows what in the field.
          It was pretty cool, though, I must admit, to have a parental/divine-love-for-you-when-I-make-you-do-something-you-don't-want-to-but-that-is-good-for-you feeling towards him for a brief moment. Only, God always loves us. Even when He banishes us downstairs. (I'm not sure I can say the same for Indy.) And God always claims us as His. (Indy is definitely still Ben's dog.) I'll try not to judge him, though; I play with skunks in my life too. So thanks to all those who have ever had to clean me up afterwards. Especially God. For loving me. Even when I disappoint Him.
          And for giving me occasions that make me change my heart. I hope that they are making me more like Him.

          :D   I wonder if He ever doesn't like us.........

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Dearest Friends,

I remember the Turkish rain becoming a solid sheet against our bus, making the window scene blurry. It was a day where I was figuring things out. Things were shifting. It was also the day I became friends with Hannah. I wrote her this song on that bus ride:

Hannah stirs below my head
so I lift my off her shoulder.
Wakin' up to a brand new world
don't know if we've crossed the border.
But the familiar beats of this road and these streets
make it seem like it's getting closer.
Closer to feeling like home.

Hannah cries and I cry.
Hannah smiles and I smile,
as she calls out my name. 
Are things, slowly, starting to change?

She is now one of the very closest people in my life. "Literally." :) Things are again changing. She has decided to go on a mission. So, time is now kind of short. I thought I would be really upset. I thought I would be sick of saying goodbye to the people I love. But this feels right. I couldn't be more proud to know the person that is Hannah Joy Rackham. 

I guess in a way I kind of knew hers was coming. Rachel's, on the other hand, came to me as a surprise. She and I are so's like part of me is leaving. It's strange how close two random strangers can become. Two very blessed random strangers. But my new favorite thing is watching her get excited every time she talks about her decision. I love her pure, natural, raw smile. Her happiness for the good in life. 

Dearest, dearest friends. How blessed I am. -CMS

Monday, October 1, 2012

Dearest reflections,

There are certain miracles in my life. Kinds of miracles that leave me completely dumb-founded. A certain miracle that I somehow got to maintain for 4 months. The miracle I got to be reminded of from the very first time he said it to the last moment he kissed me goodbye: the miracle that the amazing, brilliant, boy I called mine actually liked me.
            At first I couldn’t believe it was true, but over time, he and I’s relationship turned natural. Our lives kinda blended. But I always knew this day was coming. I always understood his passion. I always had faith in him as an entrepreneur. I always hoped he’d go big with his company. I just thought that at the moment before he turned away, he’d look me in the eyes and I would know at that moment that he was going to miss me.
But things change.
Because that didn’t happen. He was determined. His mind had already moved from this little town.  He had already pushed me out of his life. I sat in the car with him that strange Monday night. Everything was wrong. This was the wrong car. This was the wrong feeling. I wanted to squirm from the discomfort that I had never ever felt before. Not with him. The coldness of the situation was almost tangible to me. It seemed like my favorite grin hadn’t been sensed on his lips for the last month or two. The only thing I saw in his eyes was sadness. His closest friends forgotten. Ready to say goodbye. That wasn’t the boy I knew. I knew a boy filled with excitement, stuffed to the brim with passion, and exploding with happiness.
His friendship is replaceable. I will find someone to tell my secrets to, the ones that once only he knew. I made close friends in Jerusalem that I now call on my bad days and get excited when I remember I can return to my favorite roommates after a long day at school. But he is not replaceable. The person he is. The character. The joy he brought to my life. That’s all gone now without his care. 
            I’m alright. My romantic feelings have faded. Life is going to move on for both of us. Besides, he said he was happy and that’s all that really matters in the end. I just hope that somewhere along the line, he knew that I really did care about him. Not as a boyfriend; just as a person. And if so, I can’t help but wonder if that feeling of concern will ever fade.