I love everything about the Christmas season.
There is a kind of magic there. A kind of brilliance you don't find at any other time. There is something truly and simply romantic about:
sitting by the fire and looking into their eyes
drinking hot cocoa from mugs and laughing
walking, in complete giddiness, through a winter wonderland
watching Christmas movies, while cuddling
This season, I had a boy. And it made it fantastic. Over the course of the month of December, we have:
made smores in the fireplace
had the best chilled eggnog ever
gone on a snowmobile ride
watched a Christmas movie, falling asleep
But it's hitting me now: we're kinda doing all these things that I love........just.........not. Not the way I planned.
I have found myself constantly wishing that it could be Tyler. To be there, together, with me, doing the things I love. But it's just not. He's just not. I'm just......not.
Just not right. And as much as I'd like to imagine, we just don't want to be what the other wants us to be.
I hope someday, I am in love at Christmas time. It's the most wonderful time of the year. For now, I'm facing the start of a new era. Single. And hoping that the road ahead is beautiful.
It's nice to know, however, that he and I love each other. That hasn't changed for the last 8 years. Nor do I think it ever will, regardless of what level of friendship we are at.
Here's to a learning how to be a butterfly...all on your own. Whether someone sees it...or not.