Dear happiness (day 37),

I woke up this morning and swallowed a huge wad of saliva. Looks like I'm NOT going to the orphanage today. How could I give my little kiddies this cold? And then I stressed about it for the next three and a half hours: if I'm stuck in this city and I can't be with my kids, what on EARTH am I supposed to do? 

*********

I met a man today who traveled to Taiwan in his post-army youth, learned Chinese and Thai, and never really went back to the States. He had a really cool and inspiring story that made me want to move across the Atlantic and live my dreams while I was young. He was about the same age as my dad….and kind of hitting on Jacquelyn and I. 

*********

I then met a few kids on the taxi (again)….(in Thai it's called a song-tao)…They were on day 53 of what they called a "booze cruise" through Thailand. It was like 4:00 and they already seemed a little hazy. I think I laughed a little bit in my response sentence.

*********

I think there is a difference between pleasure and fulfillment. 

Being at the orphanage makes my life feel so purposeful. I thought of their faces when they realized I wasn't coming today and it made me feel awful.

Traveling the world is amazing, but if you don't have anyone to do it with: where will the laughs come from?

I've had so many great times already and it's only week five! I've learned to seek adventure through other means than the night life here.

There is something real and amazing here that I am participating in. Sometimes I get antsy that life isn't exciting all the time. But today I was happy just being………..here.

And of course…….I'm not psychoanalyzing my means of happiness whatsoever when I'm petting a baby tiger. Best spontaneous decision we could have made for the day, Jacquelyn!

-Chloé

Dear moonbeams (day 36),

He was beautiful. Looking back, I should have seen the aging in his eyes. The ones that lit up when he discovered he had found a fellow Christian. Sitting across from him in the song-tao, his story betrayed his youthfulness.

He was brilliant. Learned Thai and English from two years in the camp and a few months out of it. He wanted to return to help his people. The Shan people. In a displaced person's camp on the Burmese border. But today he was visiting his brother in the hospital.

He wanted to give. I wanted to cry. Can a persons heart be this good? Could I unite with him so instantaneously?

***************

For some reason my days here run on uneven intervals. 

I usually leave my house at 8:13. The bus usually leaves at 8:37. The kids are done with lunch at 10:38. Almost every time. It's very strange. 

But what isn't?

I think I have come to expect routine. Funny thing, life: it usually rearranges on us instead. Perhaps if I just started expecting change, I'd be more prepared for things when they hit. 

I was talking to one of the social workers and he was telling me that family planning is in decline. "Everything must change," he told me. It was a scary thought. Everything? The centuries of the organized family unit...that has to change? But why?

My friend has been in the hospital with dengue fever from a mosquito bite and it got me thinking: my life is really good. I wonder if it will always be. 

I've actually been thinking about it a lot lately. Things just WORK for me. Dumb things, big decisions. You name it. My mom's best friend says its based on a kind of positive karma you have with the world. Perhaps it means my major trials are saved for later in life. Maybe I'm being followed by a moonshadow. I don't' know. I just know i feel super lucky. Or given a lot. Or whatever.

But I wonder if I'll get to pay the world back someday. 

In some ways, I saw a lot of myself in the reflection from the boy's dark eyes. 

Moonbeam. His nickname is fitting. 

Dear cherished (day 31),

"Look I made this bracelet out of flowers for you."

She pushed it away. She wouldn't even look at the volunteer.

"Flower. ดอกไม้," she said.

No response. Only staring at the ground.

"She's hill-tribe." I stumbled. "I don't think she even speaks Thai."

She took the string of flowers and threw it back into the bush from whence it came. 

But the woman didn't give up.

She gave the flowers back to her. She showed her how to make it. She sat by her on the swing. She touched her. 

On on-looked the situation and decided I had no idea what the little one must be thinking. Maybe six years old or so. Left here. Can't understand. 

I came back two minutes later.

"Put on your sunglasses and do something crazy!"

The little one's smile was radiant.

Transformed. In just minutes. 

To the joy of all joys: the human smile.

It makes everything I do worth it. 

I bet to you that sounds trite. Trite: definition: "overused and consequently of little import; lacking originality or freshness." 

But when words mean nothing, desires and actions are reduced to outcomes of happiness.

Dear next adventure (day 25),

Random roommates turned best friends. Two married. One engaged. One finishing out her life dream/career. One in the MTC. Two going to the MTC the same day. I still can't really believe that I'm leaving them. They are my entire social life, my everyday loves, my constant friends.

We've have an ongoing quote wall in our apartment for almost two years now. I'm not really sure what's happened to the physical quote wall butcher paper sheets from each year we lives together. I think our funny lines were typed up and saved somewhere. But it doesn't really matter. What matters is the hundreds and hundreds of giggles that have come out of them. 

The first quote was a good one. We hadn't known each other that long. All of us were from Utah except Katie. After many, many introductions to those housed around us, Katie finally shorted the story. "I'm from Iowa. I'm the foreigner."

Maybe it was one of those things that you had to be there for. Or perhaps it was only funny because it was US and we all laugh at the same random things.....but it was great. It still is, actually. 

We'd always ask her "Katie, what's even IN Iowa. I know nothing about that state."

Her response: "Nothing." But we always talked of road tripping there anyway. 

She's from a smallish town. Near the Mississippi River. She likes it. Not much going on, though, she says. 

 Her family is pretty close with the missionaries. She said she had them over all the time growing up. But when they added another set of missionaries to her home town, she was a little stunned. She hoped they would have enough to do. We all laughed. 

One word. One word changed my next 22 months. My whole life. I probably should have been thinking of a million other things. But as that one state's name floated over the FaceTime connection, my only thought was KATIE!!!

Karma. 

I can picture Rachel's reaction when she gets my letter. "NO STINKIN WAY," she's going I say. Her mouth will drop all huge and she'll scream in the way that only Rachel screams. I'd pay big money to see it in person though. I wonder if she'll think I'm kidding.

Des Moines Iowa. 

Gosh. I can't even spell it. Thank you, Autocorrect. 

I've been so busying telling all my loved ones that would want to know, that I haven't even told myself yet. I'm going. For reals. 

English speaking. 

Half of my heart wants the perfected language curriculum that re MTC brings. Half of my heart keeps remember how frustrated I was this week without communication. Half of my heart remembers that I still don't speak my own language very well. All of my heart is relieved. 

September 25. 

So two months here. Two months home.

The letter that changed my world. Opened over Facetime. 20 minutes before the coffee shop opened. I love technology. And that coffee shop is my new favorite place ever. And I loved my daddy's voice bring me the news.

Heck yeah, baby.
Stoked. 
-(almost) Sister Sumsion

Querida no comprendo (dia 23),

I've never really noticed this before, but I picture symbols in my head. Like when someone says "I'll meet you at four o'clock," I draw out a 4 followed by two dots and two zeros in my mind's slate board. I'm really slow at learning Thai, because I have to translate unfamiliar combinations of sounds into Romanized letters and then memorize what that black word looks like against the white background I create on the projection screen produced onto my frontal lobes. It's very tedious. 

I remember back when I was applying to be here, I thought: "Do I ACTUALLY want to work in an orphanage in another country? I won't be able to communicate with the children." I spoke to Keara, who worked in my "orphanage Plan A" last summer. She said "Oh yes. You will learn a lot about non-verbal communication." It was kind of the sentence that made me officially decide to come to Thailand. I can't believe I didn't see it before. Contact comfort: the exact thing I wanted to "see in action" through all my studies in Psychology. Thailand was the culmination of everything I ever wanted out of my degree.

But sometimes, that's hard to remember.

I've heard it said that "the definition of insanity is doing the exact same thing twice and expecting different results." So I was sitting there on the mat, on the grass, with a little girl that wouldn't speak or smile at me, having "one-by-one time," and the older group came outside with their bikes all noisy. I guess I was silly to think they'd leave us alone. 

Over and over and over again, the swarm of six 4-year-olds reached into her basket to take one of her toys.

"Mai."

"Mai. Mai. Mai."

It means no.

Over and over and over again. 

They'd reach in and I wouldn't let them take anything.

I thought my nerves would lash out and I'd start going off at them in English….but I tried desperately to keep my mind cool.

"Isn't ANYONE watching after you?"

No comprehension.

A teacher finally came and shoo-ed a bunch of them away. But still some lingered. I think I ended up just taking the little girl for a walk and bringing the basket with me so the other ones would forget about us and continue riding their bikes. I don't remember. My mind is hazy since then. But the girl ended up wanting to walk around for our whole hour-together-time anyway, so I stashed the toys and let her wander under my watchful eye.

Still no smile. 

So I leave desperate to speak their language, and hope with all my heart that if I'm supposed to spend my life's career helping children in a foreign country: then I will be called to learn a language on my mission.

24 more hours and I should know.

Dear catching-up,

Be disappointed already: photos inside Thai orphanages are strictly prohibited.

So you won't see the kids…..or me for that matter……

Just let the disappointment sink in for a bit.

Now let me tell you that I may be getting a few from my friend (who works at "Plan B" orphanage) because they trust her…..but it has been made clear to me that they will NOT go on my blog and are simply for my personal record when I arrive back in America.

Also: the three girls I play with at lunch snuck inside my backpack and found my camera yesterday and wanted to get their picture taken……..could I refuse them?

So you may see a few. But not here. 

**********

So sorry I've been off the radar again for the last two weeks or so……but not really. I've liked being HERE. 

So I am now at orphanage #3. Plan A orphanage was called "Joy's House" and that one fell though before I left America.

So I interviewed at a government-run organization called Baan KingKaew. They are a "branch" off the main orphanage in Chiangmai called Baan Viengping, which I am currently volunteering at. Baan Viengping ("Plan C") has about 200 kids that stay until they are 18. Baan Kingkaew has about 40 kids from ages 0-6 years that they receive from Baan Viengping. Obviously, Viengping needs more help since they have more kids, so I am there. And it is good. :)

I fell in love with two little ones at Plan B (Kingkaew) and miss them so much that I often dread going to Plan C orphanage because it doesn't feel like home. Wuudii and Nat-a-pone. Holy rainbows. I can still picture their smiles perfectly.

I now leave at about 8:30 for Viengping. 

Play with 10 kids ages 1-2ish for about 2 hours. Usually blocks or balls.

Play with 3 girls ages 8/10ish that are "slow learners" and I think attend another school that's not public. 3.5 hours doing random things with them. 

Play with one kid from the first group for 1.5 hours. The nannies choose one for me. We can go for a walk or play with toys outside or play on the playground. 

1 hour trip home.

DINNER!!!! (My Thai mom is a cook and so this is always a glorious part of the day.)

Yeah! Adventures in Thailand!

LOVES. -chloemichelle

Dear me,

I have like a billion and one blog posts started. and then I go live life and I get more ideas and I never get time in my hyper-active mind to sit down and finish them cuz I'm kind of a perfectionist and I'm ok with that cuz this is my blog and I can do whatever I want.

But I love it here.

And that counts for something.

Also: I get the best internet connection when I'm lying in bed. BAD NEWS.

monk orange. i'm beginning to love this color.