You were good to me.
I warned you that I would feel like this. I told you that if I left to see her, it would be hard to come back. And now here I am, remembering what it's like to be cold.
January, you aren't like you used to be. You used to be rich. You used to be filled with overwhelming love and penetrating cold. Joy that would melt every organ and temperature that would bite to the bone. Some times I miss you. Sometimes I miss who I was last time I saw you and the saturation of beauty that filled every inch of me and every minute of my time.
But I'm not saying that meeting you again was bad. It was quite opposite. I finally feel like I'm the me I want to be. The one that knows herself and is ok to taste the bitter sometimes. One that faces fears and analyzes shortcomings.
I still have a long way to go...but I'm sure loving the journey. If I'm being honest, I'm still trying to accept that you are here and Alicia is not. One week in Arizona wasn't enough, but it will do for now. My heart is torn between where I want to be and where I feel called to. Last year, those were same. I don't want to be sad about that. I want to be solid where I stand. But sometimes memories of what used to be and visions of what could be make my heart confused as to where it wants to be. So please tell February to help me plant my feet for the next few months of cold.