Dear expectations,

I've realized something lately. My biggest life-theory in a really long time. Which, for me, is saying something. I come up with a lot. But this one is a good one:

Our lives are entirely revolved around our expectations. 

The ideas we have, in our brains, of the way things should go...they mean everything.

If we set our expectations to high, we are disappointed. If we set them too low, we miss out on a lot of joy. So we wake up, debating our risk.

Take your time coming home.

Hear the wheels as they roll.

Let your lungs fill up with smoke.

Forgive everyone.

She is here and now she is gone.

We had plans, we can't help but make love...

It's a beautiful thing when you love somebody.

How did I find love and conquer all of my fears?

See, I made it out.

Out from under the sun.

And the truth is that I feel better because I've forgiven everyone.

Now I'm not scared

of the sounds

or the states

or the stages.

I'm not scared,

I've got friends,

took my call,

came courageous.

Now I feel like I am home.

                                                                                             -Take Your Time, Fun. 

i have the coolest brother

Dear swung notes,

I'm not sure if this is a human thing, but I've decided that at least my family members have a lot of passion.

Today I found myself trotting down hour long study-tangents of the nature/history of jazz music, as well as common phrases in Korean, Portuguese, and French.

I promised myself I wouldn't do this. I promised I would keep the simplicity of Thailand with me as to not get caught up in the superfluous entertainment systems of the Western mentality I am enthralled in.

But I was reminded today of what I've actually known for a long time: I love learning. School subjects, psychoanalytic human subjects. :) Language, language of particular subjects. :) Music theory. Constellations. Soccer. Make up. Crafts. Religion.

It all just makes me more inquisitive. Life is just cool, you know?

And this is all very distracting when you have to write a paper. Because a paper is an expression of what you've learned. And unfortunately, I'm no good at THAT part of learning.

sometimes, learning comes in ways you least expect it.
the world just pendulums you away.
and you end up geeking out about random things.
like swing. a completely under-rated brilliance of the world.
and you forget about Thailand.
and bask in the amazing-ness of the existence of things like Sway.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFusWYMmae0

There you have it. I've been swung. -chloemichelle

Dear "take me home",

Last Sunday I woke up to a random Thai dude and his drunk buddies playing "Country Roads" on the patio of a peaceful hostel floating on a lake. I thought about how much Thailand felt normal to me now. Home is wherever you feel comfortable, right?

I woke up today after a long day/night/day in the airports of the world and I was more confused then I've ever been in my life. Where AM I?

And a bit more than 24 hours later, it feels like I never left. This is my hometown. How could I ever replace it?

This place will always be my home. It's good to be back where people understand me!!!! #hometown#parkcityartsfestival @nathaninnis#onlypartlysadtoleaveThailand
Insta: chloemichelle456

Dear random conThai with glasses (day 67),

Ok maybe I'm the only one that does this...but you know when you are so in the moment that you forget which moment you are actually in...and then you can pull yourself out?

It happened during Thai cooking class today I was so excited to be doing exactly what I love...with people I love...at peace...that my heart was just so absorbed. And then I pulled myself up into the sky and looked down at the scene before me and it hit me all over again: I'm in a SUPER cool place with a SUPER cool life. I have good food in my tummy, beautiful nature around me, and good conversation floating into my now distant ears.

It happened again when I was shopping. I'm bustlin' around speaking as much Thai and I can muster, having so much fun bartering and getting things I super want for my mission...and then I find around to the back side of the shops, asking the score of the soccer game that's on. For one moment, this kid and I's hearts were open to each other...just watchin' the game on his computer. I couldn't stop myself from smiling: life is cool.

My FAVORITE Thai food: 

mango sticky rice (cow-knee-ow-ma-moo-ong)

who knew such a simple dish was so much work?

finding a good market

dicing and juicing the coconut

coconut cream and coconut milk...very different

happiness

steaming the rice

massive amounts of dishes

p.s. Thai's can cut mangoes like no one's business.
the far half is my Thai mom's pro skill...the closest one is my sad attempt to be conThai!

Dear wannee (day 64),

"today," in Thai, literally translates to "day here"

stop reading this post

life is too short

go do something you love

imago read me a book

maybe spend myself some less time missing people and more time living

easier said then done

i'll see you in four weeks

love you

Dear path (day 62),

I have this new theory. It's that people are just bored. We spend all we earn on toys, alcohol, movies, vacations, dating, schooling, whatever. We're just entertaining ourselves.

I'm reading Poor Economics, a book by Baberjee and Duflo about the logistics of poverty. It's completely changing my ideas of the future. I'm not sure how much is true or how much should be taken with a grain of salt (if you know what I mean)...but it's absolutely brilliant. Chapter 2 already blew up my mind's thinking patterns: how people in poverty buy TVs before they buy food. How we will all spend money on food that tastes good before food that is nutritionally helpful.

I'm not entirely sure what the kids at my orphanage need. I'm no psychologist. I can't speak Thai. I haven't been a parent. I'm only 21 years old and I feel as young as they are sometimes. But I just keep thinking: "All they really want is attention." We are naturally social creatures, and that is by no means a negative aspect....but it's interesting to think that without a purpose, life just becomes a series of entertainments. It is my belief that growth provides the only break in this cycle: whether it be ambition, hope, or challenges.

I know that's a pretty bold statement. And I know I'm still naïve about a lot in life. But these are the ideas in which my concept of the world is framed. And it was really cool today to take a step back and ask myself what I stand for.

"Some nights, I don't know anymore."

can you spot the hidden words?

Dear shy hearts and perpetual eyes (day 56),

Today I ALMOST did something that was a really big challenge for me. We had 34 minutes to explore a tiny Hmong village in southern Laos. I knew I would be an intrusion regardless of how I spent my time. I knew they'd be waiting to sell me things. I knew the foreigner-Asian relation would weird no matter what.

But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to stick a camera in their face. I love faces. I love capturing those faces inside the mirrors and through the clicks of my poorly-used DSLR camera. I'm not sure why I even take pictures because no one ever sees them……but I absolutely thrive on it. 

I told myself that I wouldn't do it, and I followed through! I ran around the entire time, trying desperately to get the kids to warm up to me. Tickling only worked on a few of them. Each giggle was a small accomplishment I only craved more of. But mostly they just stared at me.

As the last of us were leaving, about 10 of them followed us down to the boat. In the confusion of chasing and leaving, there was a moment, a brief moment: one small girl shied behind the cloth draped over her forearm, her eyes never leaving me. And right then I knew exactly how she felt. 

It was strange to leave. I looked at my iPhone like it was a foreign object instead of my constant companion. What's even the point, you know? Yeah, I mean, maybe someday I'll look back at this constant stream of pictures and reminisce of what this place means to me. My blog has always been a place for me to come to peace with my world: to reiterate the beauty I'm surrounded by and accept the reality of situations that envelop me………but am I becoming so dependent on what the future will need? Am I forgetting this moment, and in place filling my mind only with how this will someday be important to me? Somedays you need to look at the world without a constant perspective from behind a viewfinder. 

And then I got back on the boat and saw some face-shots my professor had stolen of the old women in town and I about lost it. Absolutely and completely gorgeous. Stolen. What a proper word.

hhmmmm…………now what?

a stolen landscape of my own