I'm really bad at hurting people.
And it's a problem. I think I'm the most non-confrontational person I've ever met outside my family. I rarely speak my mind when I know it's different than the person I'm talking to. It takes so much energy for me to bring up issues I have in my relationships, that most of the time I just avoid it. I would rather curl up in fetal position and bawl my eyes out then have to offend someone by what I said.
I've stopped blogging. Because my ex-boyfriend told me that my blog was.......cheesy, for lack of better words. I was heart broken. Not because I was offended, but because i thought that continuing in the way I was would be a slap in the face to him. Now that I knew he didn't like it, proceeding as normal was just like saying I didn't care about what he felt. So I just stopped.
My world kinda got flipped upside down last night. I had a mini-epiphany that all people hurt everyone. I'm depressed. I thought the world was a better place than that.
But there is still the tiniest shred of hope inside me that maybe the man i marry will want me enough to try not to hurt me either. And part of me thinks that that means I'm being ignorant. That life doesn't work like that.
But I don't know. And the reality is that I probably won't know for a while, maybe not even til I'm married. The reality is that life takes some work: that I am imperfect and probably hurt people all the time and its something I have to work through just like everyone else. The reality is that all people make mistakes.
I think last night was so shocking because it was the first time I accepted that maybe I'd be dealing with people who intend to hurt me for the rest of my life. That not even true love and real commitment could exempt me from that. And that, my friends, is a horrible thought to think when it's the first time you think it.